What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Stop Talking to Their Ex
You’re lying awake at 2 AM, scrolling through your partner’s messages with their ex, and your stomach’s in knots. I can tell you from years of helping couples through this exact situation – when your partner won’t establish proper boundaries with an ex, it creates a toxic dynamic that’ll slowly poison your relationship. The constant texting, the secretive phone calls, the “we’re just friends” explanations that don’t quite add up. There’s a specific way to handle this before it destroys everything you’ve built together.
Examine Your Own Emotions and Triggers
Before you confront your partner about their ongoing contact with their ex, you need to take a hard look at what’s driving your discomfort. I can tell you from experience that jealousy can cloud your judgment, making innocent conversations seem threatening. Self reflect carefully on whether you’re reacting to actual red flags or your own insecurities.
Ask yourself specific questions: Are you worried they’ll reconnect romantically, or does their ex make you feel inadequate? I’ve never seen productive conversations happen when someone’s operating from pure emotion. Identify core concerns by writing them down—this forces you to separate facts from fears.
Maybe you’re triggered because your last partner cheated, or perhaps you feel excluded from this part of their life. Understanding your emotional landscape helps you communicate more effectively. It’s important to distinguish between healthy jealousy that can be communicated openly and toxic possessiveness that leads to monitoring or controlling behavior.
Assess the Nature and Context of Their Communication
Once you’ve sorted through your own feelings, you need to look at what’s actually happening between your partner and their ex. I can tell you that not all ex communication is created equal, and context matters tremendously.
Not all ex communication is created equal – context and circumstances matter tremendously before jumping to conclusions.
Before you can set communication expectations or address trust concerns effectively, you’ve got to understand what you’re dealing with:
- Frequency and timing – Are they texting daily or occasionally? Late at night or during normal hours?
- Content depth – Is it logistical stuff like shared custody, or intimate personal conversations?
- Transparency level – Does your partner hide their phone or openly share what they’re discussing?
- Your inclusion – Are you acknowledged in their conversations, or kept completely separate?
These details will determine your next steps. Pay attention to whether your partner becomes defensive when questioned about these conversations, as this could indicate deeper concerns about the relationship.
Have an Open and Honest Conversation About Boundaries
After you’ve assessed the situation, you need to sit down with your partner for a direct conversation about what’s acceptable and what isn’t. I can tell you from experience, avoiding this talk only makes things worse.
Pick a calm moment when you won’t be interrupted, then explain how their ex communication affects you. Don’t attack or accuse—focus on your feelings and needs. Say something like, “I feel uncomfortable when you text your ex daily, and I’d like us to set communication expectations together.” Be specific about what bothers you most.
Listen to their perspective too, but stay firm about your boundaries. You both need to maintain trust boundaries that protect your relationship. During this conversation, use “I feel statements” rather than “you always” accusations to prevent your partner from becoming defensive. I’ve never seen a couple work through this without honest dialogue first.
Establish Clear Guidelines That Work for Both Partners
While having that conversation sets the foundation, you’ll need to create specific rules that both of you can live with long-term. I can tell you from experience, vague agreements always fall apart when emotions run high. You must communicate needs assertively and get everything crystal clear.
Vague agreements crumble under emotional pressure—you need concrete, written boundaries that both partners can actually follow when jealousy hits.
These guidelines help build trust through transparency:
- Set communication limits – decide together how often contact happens and what topics are acceptable
- Share interactions openly – no secret conversations or hidden messages that create suspicion
- Define emergency exceptions – establish when ex-communication is truly necessary versus just convenient
- Regular check-ins – schedule monthly talks to adjust rules as your relationship evolves
I’ve never seen couples succeed without concrete boundaries. Write these agreements down, because memory gets fuzzy when jealousy strikes. Remember that establishing safe words or signals can help prevent these discussions from escalating into heated arguments.
Decide When It’s Time to Walk Away
Sometimes you’ll do everything right and your partner still chooses their ex over your relationship’s health. I can tell you that some people simply aren’t ready to commit fully, no matter how much you love them.
When you’ve tried communicating, tried compromise, and your partner continues disrespecting your boundaries, it’s time to set personal boundaries that protect your wellbeing. If they refuse to seek relationship counseling or dismiss your concerns entirely, you’re getting a clear message about their priorities.
I’ve never seen a healthy relationship survive when one partner consistently chooses an ex over their current partner’s feelings. You deserve someone who puts your relationship first, not someone who keeps you competing for second place. Happy couples never let outside influences control their relationship decisions, and a partner who prioritizes their ex’s needs over yours is allowing exactly that to happen. Sometimes walking away is the strongest choice you can make.
Conclusion
You can’t force someone to respect your boundaries, but you can control how you respond. I’ve seen too many people stay in relationships where their partner prioritizes an ex over their feelings. Don’t be one of them. Trust your instincts, communicate clearly, and if they won’t meet you halfway, walk away. You deserve a partner who puts your relationship first, not someone who keeps you competing with their past.
