20 Lies Every Cheater Tells When You Catch Them Red-Handed
When your partner’s caught cheating, you’ll hear the same tired excuses that every unfaithful person has used since the dawn of relationships. I can tell you from experience, these lies follow a predictable pattern designed to minimize damage and shift blame away from their betrayal. They’ll try everything from denial to manipulation, hoping you’ll doubt your own eyes and forgive their deception. Here’s exactly what they’ll say and why you shouldn’t believe a single word.
It Didnt Mean Anything
When cheaters get caught red-handed, they’ll almost always reach for this classic excuse like it’s some kind of magical shield. “It didn’t mean anything” rolls off their tongue so easily, you’d think they’ve been practicing it in the mirror for months.
I can tell you from experience, this phrase is their desperate attempt to minimize the damage they’ve caused. They’re trying to convince you that because it didn’t matter emotionally to them, somehow the betrayal should hurt you less. They want you to believe their feelings were misplaced, not deliberately given to someone else.
What they don’t understand is that even micro-cheating behaviors can gradually erode the trust and intimacy you’ve built together over years.
But here’s what I’ve never seen happen: this excuse actually working to heal the wounds they’ve created in your relationship.
Were Just Friends
Right alongside that meaningless fling excuse comes another favorite: “We’re just friends.” This lie feels particularly insulting because cheaters use it to gasoline your own intuition and make you question what you’re seeing with your own eyes.
I can tell you, friends don’t delete text messages, hide phone calls, or meet up secretly. When someone insists “we were just friends” while explaining why they’re emotionally distant, physically absent, or acting suspicious, they’re counting on your desire to trust them. I’ve never seen genuine friendship require lies, secrecy, or deception. Real friends don’t threaten marriages.
When cheaters claim “they were just friends,” they’re minimizing a relationship that crossed every appropriate boundary while making you feel crazy for recognizing the obvious truth. If you notice your partner constantly name-dropping someone new and reacting defensively when you ask basic questions about this person, that friendship has likely crossed into dangerous territory.
Youre Being Paranoid
After you start noticing the signs and asking questions, cheaters pull out their most manipulative weapon: “You’re being paranoid.” This accusation hits you right in the gut because it makes you doubt your own judgment while painting you as the unreasonable one.
They’re flipping the script, making their infidelity your problem. When you mention late nights at work or secretive phone calls, they’ll sigh dramatically and say you’re being paranoid, that you need therapy, that not trusting your partner is destroying the relationship.
This is classic gaslighting. Your instincts are usually right. That uncomfortable feeling in your stomach isn’t paranoia—it’s your subconscious picking up on inconsistencies your rational mind hasn’t fully processed yet. When you notice emotional withdrawal paired with defensive reactions to simple questions about their day, trust what you’re seeing rather than accepting their dismissive explanations.
I Was Going to Tell You
Once you catch them red-handed or present undeniable evidence, cheaters shift to their next predictable line: “I was going to tell you.” This lie feels particularly insulting because they’re asking you to believe they’d some noble plan to confess, as if they deserve credit for an honesty that never actually happened.
I can tell you, this excuse shows up every single time. They’ll claim they were just waiting for the “right moment” or that “it was a misunderstanding” they planned to clear up. Really? They’d weeks, months, maybe years to find this magical perfect timing, but somehow your discovery beat them to it.
Don’t buy it. If they truly intended to tell you, they would’ve done it already. This defensive response is just another pattern in their playbook of evasive responses when confronted with direct questions about their behavior.
It Only Happened Once
When cheaters get cornered and can’t deny what happened, they immediately try to minimize the damage with this classic deflection: “It only happened once.” This lie attempts to make you focus on frequency instead of the fundamental betrayal, as if cheating just one time somehow makes it less devastating or more forgivable.
They’ve kept it hidden for fear of judgment, but now they want credit for honesty? Don’t fall for this manipulation.
I can tell you from experience, cheaters rarely stop at once. They’ll claim “it was an innocent mistake” while conveniently forgetting the dozens of choices that led to betrayal.
The truth is, whether it happened once or a hundred times doesn’t change the fact that they broke your trust, violated your relationship, and chose someone else over you. If you’re looking for proof of ongoing deception, check for unexplained charges on shared credit cards or bank statements during the timeframe they claim it “only happened once.”
Youre Overreacting
Cheaters love to flip the script and make you the problem, especially when you react with the natural anger and hurt that betrayal deserves. They’ll tell you you’re being “dramatic” or “crazy” when you demand answers. I can tell you right now, you’re not overreacting to infidelity – you’re responding like any person with self-respect would.
This manipulation tactic creates communication breakdowns by shutting down your valid concerns. They want you questioning yourself instead of questioning their behavior. I’ve never seen a cheater who didn’t try this move when cornered. They’ll make you feel guilty for having emotions about their betrayal.
This blame shifting behavior is designed to deflect responsibility and make you analyze your own reactions instead of focusing on their infidelity.
Trust your gut. Your feelings about being cheated on are completely justified, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
I Never Loved Them
After getting caught red-handed, many cheaters will desperately claim they “never really loved” their affair partner to minimize the emotional damage. They’ll insist the love was never there, painting their betrayal as meaningless physical attraction.
I can tell you this lie cuts deeper than almost any other because it dismisses your legitimate concerns about emotional infidelity.
Don’t buy it. When someone invests time, energy, and secrecy into another person, feelings develop naturally. They’re trying to convince you their emotions were fabricated, but months of hidden conversations and stolen moments don’t happen without emotional investment.
I’ve never seen a cheater admit the full extent of their emotional connection because that would mean acknowledging they chose someone else over you repeatedly. The human brain’s ability to create separate mental compartments allows them to rationalize away their genuine feelings while simultaneously claiming they were protecting you from the truth.
Its Not What It Looks Like
Even though the evidence sits right in front of you, cheaters will look you straight in the eye and insist “it’s not what it looks like.” They’ll twist obvious situations into innocent misunderstandings, making you question your own perception of reality.
They’ll often follow up with “we should communicate better,” shifting blame onto you. Don’t let them flip the script – your eyes don’t lie, even when they do.
I can tell you, this gaslighting technique works because it plays on your desire to trust them. When you catch them texting someone at midnight, they’ll claim “it was innocent” work conversation. Find hotel receipts? They were helping a friend through a crisis. I’ve never seen someone work harder to rewrite reality than a cheater caught red-handed.
This manipulation is designed to make you question your own sanity, turning your survival instinct into self-doubt.
I Was Drunk and Made a Mistake
When their desperate attempts to deny reality fail, cheaters often reach for their next favorite excuse: blaming alcohol. “I was drunk and made a mistake” becomes their go-to defense, as if being intoxicated somehow erases the conscious choices they made to betray you.
I can tell you from experience, alcohol doesn’t create desires that weren’t already there. It simply removes the filter that normally stops people from acting on them. When someone claims “it was an accident” or “I lost control,” they’re asking you to believe they’d zero agency in their actions.
Here’s what this excuse really means:
- They’re minimizing their betrayal by painting themselves as the victim of circumstances
- They want you to focus on the alcohol instead of their deliberate choices
- They’re testing whether you’ll accept a flimsy explanation
This excuse often reveals deeper issues with emotional immaturity and poor impulse control, where the cheater lacks the emotional tools necessary to handle relationship challenges responsibly.
Youve Been Distant Lately
How convenient that your partner suddenly discovers relationship problems only after getting caught cheating. “You’ve been distant lately” ranks among the most manipulative excuses cheaters use because it flips the script entirely, making you the reason for their betrayal.
I can tell you from experience, this lie deflects all responsibility while making you question yourself. Suddenly, they’re claiming they were feeling neglected, that you two need more quality time together. Where was this concern before they started their affair?
This manipulation tactic works because it contains partial truth—relationships do require effort from both partners. However, healthy people communicate when they feel disconnected, they don’t cheat. I’ve never seen a cheater use this excuse who actually tried addressing relationship issues beforehand through honest conversation.
The reality is that avoiding difficult conversations about feeling disconnected is what kills intimacy, not what justifies infidelity.
I Dont Remember Doing That
Beyond shifting blame, cheaters often resort to complete denial through selective amnesia. “I don’t recollect doing that” becomes their go-to response when confronted with concrete evidence of their infidelity.
I can tell you, this convenient memory lapse appears whenever you present damning proof. They’ll claim “I forgot” about that romantic dinner receipt, or insist meeting their ex “it was an accident.” This isn’t genuine forgetfulness – it’s calculated deflection.
Watch for these red flags when they claim memory loss:
- They recall trivial details but conveniently forget major incidents
- Their memory improves dramatically when you lack concrete evidence
- They become defensive when pressed for specifics about their “forgotten” actions
I’ve never seen genuine confusion look this defensive. Real memory issues don’t come with anger and elaborate explanations about why they can’t remember.
They Came Onto Me
Another classic deflection tactic surfaces when cheaters paint themselves as the victim of someone else’s advances. “They came onto me” shifts the narrative completely, transforming them from the aggressor into an innocent bystander who supposedly had no control over the situation.
I can tell you, this excuse attempts to remove all personal responsibility from their actions. They’ll insist they initiated it, not them, as if attraction works like a one-way street. You’ll hear how “they were persistent” and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
But here’s the reality – adults make conscious choices about their responses to advances. Even if someone else made the first move, your partner chose to reciprocate, chose to continue, and chose to betray your trust.
I Was Thinking About You the Whole Time
When cheaters realize they can’t deny what happened, they’ll often try this manipulative twist that somehow makes their betrayal about love for you. “I was thinking about you the whole time” ranks among the most insulting lies they can tell, because it attempts to reframe their infidelity as some twisted form of devotion.
Cheaters who claim they were “thinking of you” during betrayal are serving manipulation disguised as twisted devotion.
I can tell you this excuse is pure manipulation. They’re trying to minimize their actions while making you feel guilty for being upset. Here’s what they’re really doing:
- Deflecting responsibility by claiming emotional connection to you during betrayal
- Making you question whether you should feel hurt or flattered
- Testing if you’ll accept increasingly ridiculous justifications
When someone says “i miss you deeply” after cheating, don’t buy it. Actions matter more than words. If they truly cared, we need counseling, not excuses.
Its Already Over
Cheaters love to pull out the “it’s already over” card right after they get caught, as if their unilateral decision somehow makes the betrayal less painful. They’ll swear they were planning to tell you, that the relationship was dying anyway, that you two were just going through the motions. It’s their desperate attempt to rewrite history and minimize their guilt.
They want you to believe the cheating was justified because they’d already mentally checked out. Don’t buy it. When someone says “its complicated” or claims the relationship was doomed, recollect that cheating without communication is still a betrayal. For most people, infidelity is this is a deal breaker, regardless of timing or excuses.
I Need Time to Explain Everything
The desperate plea for “time to explain everything” ranks among the most manipulative stalls in a cheater’s playbook. I can tell you from experience, this isn’t about explanation—it’s about buying time to craft a convincing story. They’re scrambling to minimize damage while pretending you’re in this together.
Real remorse doesn’t need rehearsal time—genuine accountability starts with immediate, messy truth, not calculated damage control.
This tactic serves three purposes:
- Delay confrontation while they figure out damage control
- Create false intimacy by suggesting you’re partners solving this problem
- Shift focus from their betrayal to your “impatience” for answers
I’ve never seen a cheater actually use this time for genuine accountability. Instead of taking responsibility immediately, they’re calculating what you already know. Real remorse doesn’t need rehearsal time. When someone truly wants to come clean, they start talking immediately, messy truth and all.
You Never Pay Attention to Me Anymore
Blame-shifting becomes their next weapon once stalling tactics fail, and nothing cuts deeper than hearing “You never pay attention to me anymore.” This lie transforms you from victim into villain faster than you can blink. I can tell you, this manipulation is textbook cheater behavior.
They’ll claim you never made quality time together a priority, that work consumed all your energy, that you stopped caring about their feelings.
Don’t fall for this emotional warfare. Even if you pay more attention to your phone than them some evenings, that doesn’t justify betrayal. I’ve never seen a relationship where perfect attention prevented cheating. Their infidelity isn’t your fault, regardless of how they twist the narrative to make you feel guilty.
I Was Going Through a Rough Patch
Another classic deflection you’ll hear is “I was going through a rough patch,” delivered with just enough vulnerability to make you feel cruel for staying angry. This excuse tries to paint their betrayal as a temporary lapse in judgment, something they couldn’t control because life got overwhelming.
I can tell you that everyone faces difficult times, but most people don’t cheat when stressed. They’ll claim “I was going through a personal struggle” or “I needed more emotional support,” making you wonder if you failed them somehow.
- They’re shifting blame from their choices to their circumstances
- The timing conveniently explains away their behavior without taking responsibility
- They’re testing whether you’ll prioritize their pain over your own betrayal
Don’t buy it.
Thats Not My Account/Phone/Message
When confronted with undeniable evidence, cheaters will often resort to outright denial by claiming “That’s not my account” or “Someone else must have sent those messages.” I’ve seen this desperate move countless times, and it’s particularly insulting because they’re asking you to ignore what’s right in front of your eyes.
They’ll insist they really did lose their phone, or that someone hacked their social media. Sometimes they’ll claim it was a harmless misunderstanding, that you’re misinterpreting innocent conversations. I can tell you from experience, this lie crumbles fast when you dig deeper. Ask specific questions about dates, times, and details. Watch them scramble for explanations that don’t add up. Trust your instincts when the evidence speaks louder than their denials.
I Love You More Than Ever Now
Once they realize the denial isn’t working, many cheaters will flip the script and suddenly become the most loving, attentive partner you’ve ever seen. I can tell you from experience, this desperate move feels completely hollow when you know the truth. They’ll claim their affair made them realize how much you mean to them, but here’s what’s really happening:
When denial fails, cheaters often transform overnight into loving partners—but this desperate performance feels hollow when you know the truth.
- They’re panicking about losing their security blanket while keeping their side action
- The guilt is temporarily making them overcompensate with fake affection
- They’re buying time to figure out their next move
I’ve never seen genuine remorse look like sudden proclamations about finding new intimacy or strengthening emotional connection. Real change takes months of consistent effort, not dramatic overnight declarations.
Ill Do Anything to Make This Right
Desperate cheaters frequently throw around this promise like a magic wand they think will instantly fix everything. When they say “I will work tirelessly” to repair the damage, they’re banking on your emotional exhaustion to accept empty words over meaningful action.
I can tell you that cheaters who genuinely want to rebuild trust don’t just talk about working hard—they immediately start therapy, cut contact with their affair partner, and hand over phone passwords without being asked. The ones who keep repeating “I made a terrible mistake” while making excuses are still manipulating you.
I’ve never seen a cheater follow through on this promise when they’re still in damage-control mode. Real change happens quietly, through consistent actions, not desperate proclamations.
Conclusion
When you’re hearing these familiar lies, I can tell you from experience that your gut instincts are probably right. Don’t let their smooth words override what you’ve seen with your own eyes. You deserve honesty, not manipulation. Trust yourself, document the evidence, and recall that someone who truly loves you wouldn’t put you through this emotional torture. You’re stronger than their lies, and you’ll get through this.
